When People Let You Down

Welcome to Marriage Mondays which I'm posting on Thursday! And thank you for stopping by if you read this devotion running with Proverbs 31 Ministries' Encouragement for Today online devotions.   

Although today's devotion wasn't written specifically about marriage, it certainly pertains to marriage. 

I had A LOT of expectations coming into marriage. 
I’m not even sure where all my expectations came from. Probably books I read and movies I watched when younger. Could it be that some personalities are more critical and expect more? Could it be that I’ve had a problem with discontentment in many areas of my life? I think so….

I had to deal with my disappointment about these expectations not being met. 

As I started learning more about marriage from reading books, Scripture, talking to other couples, I learned that marriages have stages. I found it helpful to discover what I was thinking or feeling at certain stages in marriage was pretty typical.

- Romantic – You see your spouse through rose-colored glasses, and life is pretty smooth sailing.

- Reality – May be a hard time as you feel disillusioned or disappointed; you see faults you never saw before, may be power struggles.

- Transformation – You look at how you can negotiate some of your problems while staying committed.

- Mature – You focus on friendship, commitment, and staying for the long haul.

It's usually in the reality stage of marriage that we look at what our marriage really is and possibly feel some disapointment. 

For some people dealing with the reality won't be that big of a deal, but for me, maybe because of the way I'm wired to think and analyze and turn something over and over in my heart and mind, I had to stare it in the face and grieve, and decide what to do with it.

"After the winds of grief subsided, I was done. Grieving was the bridge I had to cross to move beyond the disappointment. On the other side I found myself in a place where I could embrace the relationship for what it is, not what it’s not."

On the other side of the bridge Scott and I have forged a really great marriage, one where we are truly partners and best friends, one with many ups and downs.

Now have my husband and I have conversations about things we would like to change in our marriage? Yes. Believe me, I know I'm not all of what Scott imagined he'd have in a wife.  Some things we've worked on for each other, but we've also both grieved over some things that will never be in our marriage. That’s okay.

Then I can say, It is what it is, with a truly accepting and gracious heart, not a resigned and disappointed attitude.  We're truly at a stage where we're focused on the marriage we do have, not the marriage we don't have.  And that's a good place to be. 

Does understanding the stages of marriage help you?  I hope so! 
What other relationships does this make you think of?

Thanks for stopping by and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

 

This and That and Hawaii

Thank you for stopping by Marriage Monday.  But it's not really going to be about marriage today.  Please return Thursday, as I will post about marriage to run with my devotion that is also running that day.

So for today.... I'm just going to list some things on my mind and in my life, just a little this and that.

New Things - I am trying some new healthy lifestyle things.  I'm avoiding sugar, hormones in dairy/meat, and trying to be gluten free.  I've been having some health issues and it's time to get more deliberate about reclaiming my health. 

One son is in middle school, one son is in high school.  I have loved every stage of their lives, truly, but I think this is one of my favorites.  I love how their personalities are emerging.  They make me laugh just about every day.

Things that make me happy - The morning air is a little cooler, so I sit on the front porch drinking coffee every morning.  My husband has never been a coffee drinker until this year, and I love sharing this with him. 

I have great friends who keep me sane, or sometimes love me when I'm a bit crazy.  They pray for me, check up on me, help me with projects around the house and mostly laugh with me.

Another thing that makes me happy is that new TV shows are starting soon.  Scott and I like our shows.  This still makes me laugh because growing up we didn't watch a lot of TV.  We read books.  And I'm thankful for that because even more than TV, I love to read.
But I do like my shows:  Glee, The Good Wife, Friday Night Lights, House, Survivor are a few favorites.

Something I'm working on:  Being nice.  Really.  Sometimes it's just hard for me to be pleasant.  I could blame it on hormones, but ...I won't. 

Favorite devotional book I'm using now (click on titles for link to purchase at Proverbs 31 Ministries): 

Jesus Calling

by Sarah Young

Bible study I'm using in my Quiet Times:

Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl

by Lysa TerKeurst - great mixture of funny stories and good Biblical truths and practical application

And the THING I'M TOTALLY EXCITED ABOUT -

I'm going to Hawaii this Friday for a week!!!  Actually to Kauai.  I cannot believe it!  I'm going with just my twin sister Natalie and my friend and her partner Donna.  They are so incredible - they bought me a plane ticket and said you're going, no excuses!  I want to swim with a dolphin, snorkle, jump off a waterfall(maybe), hike, fly on a helicopter, float and read books and take siestas.

Thanks for visiting and don't forget to stop back this Thursday for thoughts on marriage!

Boundaries in Marriage

Welcome to Marriage Mondays!  Thank you for stopping by.  I hope you'll find encouragement today and share your thoughts, too.

Most of my blog posts and devotions about marriage with Proverbs 31 Ministries (check them out here) address the normal ups and downs of a typical marriage.  I do, however, get many e-mails about marriages in crisis.  I'm not a licensed counselor, so along with my prayers, I always encourage people to get godly counseling. 

So how do you know if you might need counseling? 

One thing that I thought would be helpful are some really specific and wise guidelines I found in one of my favorite marriage books, Blessing Your Husband by Debra Evans.  These boundaries will help you or perhaps someone you know going through hard times in their marriage.  I also encourage women to seek support and wise counsel in other trusted Christian women friends.

Evans explains, "You should seek help if any of the following conditions apply to your marriage:

• If there is physical abuse of any kind to any family member
• If you are afraid to speak your own mind or express your feelings.
• If you take responsibility for your husband's behavior or his feelings (ie. blaming yourself when your husband gets angry)
• If you make excuses or cover for your husband's behavior (for example, if you call in sick for him when he is hung over).
• If there is any sexual infidelity, aberration, or manipulation
• If you feel guilt or shame over the way your husband treats you.
• If there are addictions or substance abuse of any kind.
• If there is chronic debt, chronic unemployment, or frequent changes from job to job.
• If there are constant, chronic arguments and conflict.
• If weeks or months go by without serious, heart-to-heart talks between you and your husband concerning any serious problems you believe are present in your relationship."

Hope this helps...

On a much lighter note, fellow Proverbs 31 Ministries team member, Shari Braendel, is having a great give-away of a makeover, so be sure to click on her name to find out the scoop.  Shari is the go-to girl when it comes to fashion/makeup/looking your best.  And it's a big give-away so don't miss out!